Blurb for Denial:
Her heart had been broken. How could it ever be mended?
Sometimes life has a habit of breaking a person, but Lori’s discovered there’s a reason for it. Better things are around the corner. She didn’t realize that at first, but after things went sour, a light beckoned, an anchor in the form of a man named Jaska.
He ignites her soul, understands her needs more than she does. She embarks on a journey, one that has many twists and turns, and with Jaska guiding her, she doesn’t think it can go wrong. Except there are terms to their relationship, a contract they’re bound by, and no matter what, they’re not supposed to express how they feel about each other. It’s dangerous—falling in love isn’t allowed.
But Lori has fallen in love, and the year Jaska has given to teach her the ways of the lifestyle is both pain and pleasure—and not only from spankings. It’s pain—she loves him but can’t express it. It’s pleasure—she gets to spend time with him.
Denial is the name of the game for both of them. Deny their feelings and everything will work out fine. But Lori knows that somewhere down the line during this year she’ll have to open her mouth and tell him how she feels. The question is—when?
I’m sitting here while you’re showering and, you know, it’s weird, but I’m imagining the plan of your house and where you might be. Of course, I also imagine I can hear the water—and I say imagine, because really, I can’t hear anything at all except for my breathing.
As I said before, I’m usually there for a student, so in real life I would be standing in the bathroom with you—or at least in the doorway—checking that you were all right every step of the way. There are times, when I teach, when I can’t be with someone, and there are also times when I set my students a task that they must do while alone.
If you were sitting at your desk, I think you’d ask me what kinds of tasks, so I’ll tell you one of them—one that I will be asking you to do at some point. I will ask that you remove all your clothes and get down on the floor, on your knees. I will ask that you rest your backside on your heels, put your hands behind your back and clasp one of your wrists. I will ask that you bow your head and think of whatever I ask you to think about. To begin with, that task will only last five minutes, because although five minutes doesn’t sound a long time, it is. The time will be extended, until you can sit like that for hours if we both wish it.
This task is what I call reflection time. It’s useful for getting to know yourself, for abandoning all the rules we find ourselves bound to in life, and just allowing yourself to exist with nothing but your thoughts. No clothes to restrict you, no jobs that need doing—nothing matters except thinking and understanding yourself.
Is that something you would be prepared to do?
At first, you might feel strange, as though resting in this way, naked, is wrong, but over time you’ll hopefully discover you like it. You may also find yourself adopting this position when I haven’t ordered it. You might have had a particularly stressful day, for example, and the urge to seek refuge prompts you to get down on the floor and find some inner peace.
You will think many things while doing this, I’m sure. Your time with Ricky, perhaps. Analyzing what went wrong, why, and exactly when. Your need to be dominated. When did that occur? Your life in general—is your job giving you satisfaction or is it time to move on to pastures new? Or your finances—can you pay all your bills on your wage now that Ricky has gone? I promise you that isn’t me prying or trying to get you to talk about all these things—it is merely me suggesting what your reflection time could be about.
Eventually, when you’ve had several chances to have reflection time, you’ll find—I sincerely hope—that your mind is less cluttered. When your mind isn’t so full with issues chasing themselves around, this then leads to an inner peace quite unlike anything you’ve been through before. I can’t describe it, nor will I try, because I believe each person’s version of inner peace is different. But when you experience it, you’ll know.
And everything I’ve just said is really me trying to distract myself from thoughts of what you are doing. I’m worrying, in the time between writing these sentences, about your welfare. This is par for the course for a decent Dom, and while I’m tutoring you, I will always worry to some degree.
It’s time for me to stop writing and get some work done. I’ll bid you sweet dreams now in case you don’t speak to me again tonight, and I look forward to hearing all about how you got on in the shower.
Be well, pet.
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It’s safe to say that some of us find it much easier to express ourselves by writing. Even if you’re not an author, there must be times in life when sending a text or an email is preferable to speaking to someone face to face or on the phone. With talking, you risk forgetting what you wanted to say as the conversation evolves, and also, the other person may say something that gives you the idea that the subject you’d called them about isn’t going to be resolved by speaking about it. Plus, they get to see your expressions and how vulnerable you are.
So, by putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, you can get it all out, hit ‘send’, and know that all your emotions have been expressed. Also, writing about embarrassing or sensitive subjects is preferable to talking about them. Isn’t it?
In Denial, Lori and Jaska communicate via emails. There is a pattern with them, where some of the things they have been unable to say have made their way into those messages instead. However they are communicating doesn’t matter—so long as they are. And if it means their relationship can progress with a better understanding of each other just by typing out the words, all the better.
The thing is, though, Lori and Jaska have a relationship—but they haven’t met yet. To begin with, their only form of contact is via emails, texts, or speaking through what amounts to Skype on the computer. So, of course, they are able to express themselves more freely without the embarrassment of an in-the-flesh discussion. But what I wanted to show was that even the written word, written expression of emotions, can be excruciatingly embarrassing. Just knowing that person is going to read it is enough to send a person bright red with shame…
Natalie Dae is a multi-published author in three pen names writing in several genres. Natalie writes mainly BDSM erotica. She loves a Dom/sub relationship and is fascinated by how it all works. The trust issue is the best thing about it for her, so creating characters who have to adopt trust is one of her priorities. “Watching my characters bloom under tuition is such a treat,” she says. “I find it such a privilege to be able to write about something that makes me learn something new with every book.”
She lives with her husband and youngest daughter in England and spends her spare time reading—always reading!—and her phone, complete with Kindle app, is never far away. “I can't imagine not reading or writing,” she says. “It's a part of who I am. Without it I'd be more than a bit lost.”
Natalie has many more BDSM tales swimming around in her head, so her workload for the future is very full. “What better way to spend a weekend than writing?” she says. “Saturdays are my main writing days, so I get up, open up a work in progress and rarely leave the desk. Unless I really have to!”
She writes at weekends and is a cover artist/head of art in her day job. In another life she was an editor. Her other pen names are Geraldine O’Hara and Sarah Masters. Natalie also co-authors as Sarah Masters with Jaime Samms, and she co-authors with Lily Harlem under the name Harlem Dae.